Yesterday I prepared everything to leave
Today I left
Tomorrow I have surgery
I am alone
I am homeless
I am walking a path I never thought I would walk
I am scared
Fuck that. I am freaked the fuck out
I want to be healed yet I want to die
Why am I always alone in life
Why is this happening to me
Why am I not worthy of someone’s love
This mass in my breast has brought so much pain
I want it gone
I want to beat it with a bat
I lay here and cry through the agony
The man who I have given my life to has turned his back on me
This pain hurts so much
This pain has me weak
This pain paralyzes me
I am alone
He says he wants to be with me but let’s be serious
He doesn’t REALLY want to be by my side
He had the address, he had permission … he silently made a choice
He doesn’t love me as I have loved him
He doesn’t choose me as I have chosen him
Because if he did, he would be here … NO MATTER WHAT
Why have I been living in torture?
This lump in my breast has been the true death of me
This lump is pain
This lump is agony
This lump has caused my mind to be fucked up
This lump has me scared
This lump may kill me
This lump has changed my world
This lump has weakened a strong woman
This lump breaks my soul
Sometimes I wish I had never found this lump
Sometimes I wish the lump would’ve just taken over my body
Sometimes I wish this lump would’ve just killed me
Sometimes I wish this lump didn’t have power over my thoughts and feelings
This lump has brought me nothing but heartache and endless pain
If I survive, what happens then?
Where will I live?
I have nothing.
I have no one.
I will be alone.
With my mind. With my thoughts.
I can’t wait to be numb again.
To feel nothing.
October 12, 2020