Here is the truth.
I messed up. And for the past 24 hours, I have had about 30 cold sweats and I smell like I have not had a shower in 4 days. EWWWWW, right.
So what happened? My intentions did not align with my communication with my love. I was scared. I let fear lead me. I did not trust I was safe. I struggled with my inner Goddess and Goddess did not win.
She lost and she lost hard.
You see. I have been having this on-going battle with my inner person on trust, on communication, on being enough — and what I realized a few months ago — this stems from my childhood. More specifically, my father.
I can honestly say I have never felt safe in my life in any environment except for one. How did this happen? How did I not realize this sooner? But here is the kicker — someone realized it for me — and I dismissed it. And for the past 3 years — I remember it vividly.
Goddess Gina and I were spring cleaning and post-spring clean (with permission) she asked if could offer me a future spring clean topic and I agreed. She said, “trust.”
I agreed and did a few spring cleaning exercises and then thought I am done. It is good. All is well. And I carried on because I had other things to spring clean on.
Now here we are three years later and I should have been spring cleaning on TRUST.
TRUST of myself.
TRUST of others.
TRUST. TRUST. TRUST.
So I messed up then and I messed up now because of TRUST. What does one do now? We face trust head-on and tackle the barriers that are standing in the way of having trust. And here is my plan of action to address trust:
- Make a list of things/person that I do not trust
- Then for each, write out what is not trusted
- After that, for each how will I address this untrusting matter
I know you are going to be wondering how this is going to turn out and I am just as curious as you are. My desire is that trust no longer is an issue that peeks its nasty head into my life in an undesirable way. I will keep you posted on what happens, darling.
August 18, 2019