It’s hard for me to be vulnerable
It freaks me out ALOT
It makes me feel weak
It makes me feel powerless
No need to repeat my endless stories of always being in charge or taking care of everything all the time or never feeling like I can have a bad day … because that’s old news.
I want to tell you all of my hundreds of thoughts
I want to tell you what I want
I want to tell you what hurts my heart
I want to be able to tell you my life and sexual desires
I want to please you sexually and have experiences that bring us closer
I want you to be completely happy
… but I’m scared
Because remember the feeling I tell you that you give me? I don’t want to lose it. Ever.
From the moment I got into your car … my world changed. I changed.
The feeling you ignited within me … I wanted more.
Now I would be a complete and utter fool to think I was the only one for you since that day
And discovering the several items I have lately … has me wondering … am I the only one now?
Just know … for me, it’s been you and only you since day one because I just knew and … that feeling you give me still sends tingles through my spine …
Like when you ask me if anyone messed with me or when you tell me to tell you if someone isn’t nice to me or when you ask me if I am OK or when you tell me the sweetest things
They all make me feel like a Queen … and then …
Every day I get to wake up next to you
Every night I get to fall asleep with you on my chest
Every day I get to spend with you
Every day I look over at you while you’re driving and smile
Every moment I get to hear HUMVEE stories and help you
Every experience you give me through your world and your eyes
Makes me the happiest lady in the universe.
And then yesterday, I froze in my thoughts when you said, “Whatever you need baby, just let me know and I’ll do it”
How does a girl who asks for nothing begin asking for what she needs?
I’m accustomed to asking for what I need out of survival, not pleasure or happiness
I’ve always just gotten things done and handled it
Because I am a woman of words and words hold power … Those words you spoke solidified my love for you even more
I want to know what makes you happy
I want to know what makes you angry
I want to know how you feel
I want to know your sexual desires and fantasies you want experience with me
And then fear emerges from within
My heart begins beating so heavy so fast
My words become stuck
My eyes begin to tear up
My chest has a slight pain
And I feel as though I can’t breathe
I don’t want you to feel boxed or that I’m pressuring you or anything
Because I know you’re a fly by the seat of your pants guy
And I’m a planning type of girl
Yet somehow we work so well together
I want to know … what do you want?
What are we creating?
Because I can tell you what I want and then maybe … we’ll even know if we are moving in the same lane or if I really am crazy
And then my vulnerability creeps in …
I fear pain
I fear heartache
I fear rejection
I fear my words won’t be heard
My heart is delicate
My heart is wide open
My heart feels all the feels
My heart is scared
My heart has unconditional love
My biggest fear is being heartbroken and shattered into a million delicate pieces
March 20, 2019