The sound is so clear.
Her voice was filled with love. I could hear the background noise of cars. It was 10:30 at night.
“Hello”
“Hey mom! Are you guys almost home?”
“We are about 3 hours from home. I will call you in the morning and we can talk”
“Ok. Mom. I love you and drive safely”
“I love you too and I will”
Those were the last word I ever heard from my mother. Today marks 10 years since I woke to the news that my mother suddenly died.
I was flustered. I was scared. I was in denial.
And to be honest, it was not until 2011 that I faced the reality that she was never coming back. You see, everyday my mother and I would talk on my way to work and on my way home. It was our thing.
One day, after work. I hopped into my car. Was entering the interstate and I dialed.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Then the answering machine popped on. It was my father’s voice.
I sunk into the driver’s seat and tears began to flow.
It was the longest 35 minute drive. Ever.
Today, I woke up to a few texts from loved ones who get me.
Today is moment of reflection and my heart still burns with wounds.
Love your loved ones. Pick up the phone and speak to them.
Write them a note and drop it in the mail.
Take a day and just hang out.
Never leave mad. Never leave angry.
Lead with love because our tomorrows are not promised.
And with this story about my mother, I have a confession.
For the past 10 days, something has been whirring around in my body. I can feel it but can’t explain it.
I am an 8-hour a night sleeping kinda girl and I have been sleeping roughly 4.5 hours a night.
I kept questioning my body. Wondering what was wrong with me. Should I go to the doctor? I don’t have any ailments or symptoms of anything. I am drinking my 100 ounces of water. What could possibly be wring with me.
Finally, after a long, slightly heated shower.
I stood in the mirror completely naked. Just standing there.
No music. No sound. Just staring at myself and my body.
I asked, “What are you trying to tell me?” And I moved around looking at my entire body in the mirror. From my toes, to my knee caps, my thigh, my belly button, my lower back, all the way to my hair dripping wet.
I am not sure how long I stood there. My heart beating rapidly. A glaze over my eyes. Not tears but my eyes were heavy. Not the sleepy kinda heavy. They just felt heavy and taking in every inch of my body.
After about 30 minutes, I got dressed. I climbed into the bed and fell right to sleep.
The next morning, I awoke and felt different. A little lighter. I felt reinvented. I felt fresh. I felt clear. I looked in the mirror after getting dressed and I just looked different (once again, can’t explain).
I decided to stop hiding behind the curtain.
I decided to walk the plank and stay out there!
I decided to declare my passion for this life I have.
As of today, I am no longer apologizing for being me. Tiara and all.
I will amp my ask and stop standing in fear of rejection.
Everything is not always roses and champagne and I gonna share it. Sometimes there are some dud days and you just wanna climb under the blanket and not come out. Cool. Do that.
I am pulling back the mask dahlings and my promise, to you, is to give it my all. I have a gift. You have a gift.
I can hear my mother’s voice, “Sang Thi, get your shit together and do what needs to be done. Stop looking at the beach and get in it.”
Yes mom. I am listening. I will do it. I promise you.
From my fingertips to your eyes